I want to write about a boy - something about a boy. He's short and funny and not entirely mature, but responsible and driven. and i don't know him really well, but for about a month, we went out a few times and I was really crazy about him. And I thought that he was crazy about me. And I was unusually enthusiastic about the whole thing - b/c he was so normal, down to earth, casual, non-smothering. As it turns out, he was so normal that in the end, he broke my heart.

Now, let's be somewhat serious about this - we only dated for a month which meant that we went out four times and talked here and there so when I say broke my heart - we're not talking about madly in love broken heart. I realize that. I didn't even know him that well. Yet, there are still some things about this that hurt tremendously. Those things related to optimism and hope and enjoyment and giddiness and anticipation. When someone rips those things away from you, and you don't see it coming, it hurts, it hurts - it's the not seeing it coming that hurts the most, and I realize that's likely uniquely me, with my control issues.

I am rarely, rarely enthusiastic about the potential of a relationship. Rarely. But he seemed so into me when we were together - just hanging out at a friend's house, he was clearly WITH me and in the moment. But not hanging on me or smothering/annoying me. It isn't often, maybe not ever, that I've thought someone liked me. That I would say, 'yes, this person, this one right here, this one that I think is so adorable, he likes me.' I felt that here, though, and it was so much fun b/c he didn't call all the time, he didn't drive me insane, we'd make plans and then not talk for a day or two - but we had these plans so the talking wasn't necessary and nobody was expecting me to work in thirty minutes per day to have inane conversation just for conversation's sake. That drives me CRAZY!! I hate it.

And then, one day, he stopped calling and he was supposed to be out of town but I had this sneaking suspicion that such was not the case. By the end of that week, I had ascertained that sure enough, he wasn't out of town and I got the obligatory, I just want to be friends.

Seriously, Sunday we had a marvelous time together, so I thought - it was a day that I was thinking to myself, 'this guy really likes me, how crazy is that?!' And people commented on how we made a good match and i began thinking that maybe being a part of a couple someday, not any time soon, mind you, i'm not changing overnight, but i was becoming open to the idea that someday that might be okay. I was excited and happy, what a revelation to realize there is simple enjoyment in liking someone and feeling liked in return. it's a feeling i haven't had in over five years. and just having the anticipation that you'll see that person again - not constantly but you know, that it's out there, something to look forward to. And I was so stupid b/c I actually believed all this nonsense. On Monday, I told my friend, V, that I really liked that boy and how much fun I'd had the day before and she was teasing me about being all giddy b/c I'm SO NOT THAT WAY - reeeeeally can't stress that part enough. And I didn't know when I was saying all these sappy things, that actually it was over, I just hadn't been informed of this yet.

And this, of course, leads us back to control. I don't understand how it is that I can actually think things, things I don't think easily or often, and then be so completely wrong and not be able to do a damn thing about it. How are people willing to give up control like that? How are they okay or even in the same realm as comfortable with it?

I realize this wasn't an intense, long love affair. I barely knew him. But I was just so excited about him b/c I liked so much the things I knew and certain of his characteristics are so rare - but in the end, he really was normal.

He said some fairly hurtful things about why he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm not sure they are entirely accurate or fair. Maybe to a small extent, if those things particularly bother you. But they are things I would have no way of knowing if not told and I don't read minds. They are also things I would completely understand, if he had just SAID something, but he didn't. I question whether those things would have bothered him so much if he had actually liked me - and here's the most absurd part of this again, b/c I have to term it in 'liked me as much as I thought he did.' As if I have ever thought that or do so lightly.

So, I can't explain what it is that really hurts exactly. I wasn't in love by any means, I wasn't even that far in like - I was just so optimistic and I can't stand the feeling of having read that completely wrong. That someone was able to just rip the rug right out from under me and me not see it coming. I hate, hate, hate not being able to see it coming. Plus, and this really bothers me a great deal, I feel foolish, I feel like one of those smothering girls b/c I flounder badly when I don't know what's going on. I'm not comfortable or familiar with happy and optimistic, so it leaves me in a constant state of anxiety as well, that something will happen to spoil it - and although, I felt a little here, I really felt pretty confident that he liked me in return. So, my anxiety was actually fairly decreased from the norm. But then on Monday, it became clear that something was amiss. I just need communication - not heavy drivel that would annoy me immensely - but just the important stuff b/c I've learned that my paranoia, although sometimes a bit rampant, is often fairly in tune with the fact that something is legitimately up, even if I'm off on exactly what it is.

<< & >>