Okay, here's the thing. In spite of my chosen occupation, I HATE contention. Granted, I'm marvelous at righteous indignation on behalf of other people - those I care about, truly care about, that in my mind have been wronged in the slightest. But I loathe contention aimed at me and I can never muster up the same indignation on my own behalf. When I'm working in litigation, to the extent that it can't be avoided, I always find myself wanting to shut down under attacks from opposing counsel, attacks that are legitimately only about the merits of the case. I want to bury my head and plead with them to just stop, that I'm sorry, that they're probably right and if they'll just stop, I'll happily take my toys and go home. When I try to explain this to other people, I don't think they really grasp the degree to which that feeling completely takes over my conscious and subconscious mind. It's like the fight or flight instinct and I can assure you, it's flight that wants to win.

Last year, however, I had to handle a matter that was not only about the merits of the case but about an attorney that had reneged on an agreement that I had made with him and on which I had relied in advising my client. I won the hearing in the end and was able to keep my wits about me - mostly b/c, although I felt it was a little bit about a travesty against myself and the position it put me in with my client, which made me nauseatingly nervous, I felt as if my client had been wronged and it's easier for me to fight on someone else's behalf if I really, really feel like somebody did something wrong to them and it's not about your basic legal issues. So, while I did not remotely enjoy it and I wasn't earning any awards as a great orator by any stretch of the imagination, I was able to speak without my voice trembling, although I did find in the middle of it when I tried to write two words on my notebook that my hands were shaking too badly to allow for such activity.

Now, I am in another lovely dilemma, only worse. You would think that after this many years of practicing, I would know better than to trust any attorney. Not b/c most of them are not trustworthy b/c generally they are. Most of the time, they are just doing their jobs, like me, and, while still asserting their client's position, will be cooperative and above board throughout the whole process. However, as in most things, this is not always the case and when you are less than vigilant, you will get seriously stung. I am currently working on a motion to the court to try to avoid the horrendously problematic ethical situation I now find myself in thanks to my naivete and opposing counsel's schemes and tricks. This opposing counsel has been, if you will excuse the language, a huge fucking pain in the ass from the outset of this case. His reputation in the legal field for being difficult to work with is not inaccurate. I didn't realize, however, just how vindictive he could be when he doesn't get his way. He set me up, and I walked right into it. And now, I face one of the biggest fights I've ever had in my career, and this time, it's centered not on the issues of a case or the wrongs done or not done by or to my client - instead, this is centered solely on me. And I'm terrified.

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