I realize this is midstream in thoughts and events, but I just don't feel like recrafting the entire situation, frankly.

There are two primary scenarios (there are several variables that can spin off 30 different possibilities but I'm concentrating on the primary two). I know for sure that he showed H my text messages. How many, which ones, for how long, I don't know. First scenario, he told H (and likely others, hence the variables) about everything from the beginning along with showing him my text messages and I've been walking around in stupid oblivion. Which means that all of my actions, that would have otherwise appeared innocent in people's eyes, were seen as having purpose and probably either slutty or desperate, or both.

Second scenario, he didn't tell our arrangement, only showed the text messages, which means that it looked like i was seriously and pathetically chasing him around and most likely as a means to a dating end, which wasn't the case as far as he knew. And then I socialized with people who saw me as unbelievably pathetic, and I had no idea.

In any event, I can't handle it. I will no longer go around the tailgating group, any of them. I'll never know who read or saw what, the context, how much of a game it was, how much of a joke I was, I'll still have been around people that knew and I was walking around oblivious. I'll never know who knows now, how much they know - and those that do likely don't actually know the truth. And while I said outwardly from the beginning that I never, ever wanted to date B, so it was never necessary for him to care about me in a girlfriend context, I never realized just how little he thought of me in general as a regular, everyday person. and whoever was participating in reading what I sent, likely had to think of me the same.

B has e-mailed me and received the auto response that I set up indicating that his e-mail has been automatically deleted and he has been blocked. he's text me twice asking why I'm not talking to him. he has no idea what i know. I'm ignoring him. I can't be drawn into an argument with him - when he's called on something, he lashes out and I can't handle that. So, this ignoring business is best. it's a little empowering too but only for about ten minutes, or the instant i receive another message, which indicates that he's bothered a bit. the rest of the time, I have to fight myself not to respond. I wanted so badly to say, "What? You need another text message to share with your friends?"

Sadly, all the social fun I had is officially over. And that is the worst fallout of the whole thing. That's utterly devastating. But it is what it is (chnacat's favorite motto) and I can't do anything about it now. I guess my idea that perhaps I need to go back to social isolation is going to happen by default. Perhaps it's for the best.

And my friends, those that I defend to the end? Those for whom I get repeatedly indignant no matter who I'm confronting? They want to stay out of it. They want to support me, but beyond that they "don't want any part of this." Hmm. Interesting. Not surprising though. Mind you, if someone did this to them, I'd have their head on a platter. So, who is the abnormal person here? me or them? I think it's me - no-one else defends people the way that I do. I need to just stop. I struggle with whether I want what other people are willing to do for me to define me or whether I want to be the person I am b/c those qualities are important to me.

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