I realize that I don't play the game well. I get that. I know that you have to be cool and aloof about everything. That people want to date people they can't have so easily. I wish I could do that. Maybe if I had more in my life. Or perhaps if I ... well, I think I just have to be someone else. That this person, people don't want to date. I sometimes think that I can pretend to be someone else but no, ultimately, I can't ever play the game. I always get impatient and my stupid personality comes through and there is nothing truly aloof about me. I am, unfortunately, not aloof. I always have to push to find out where I stand, where the other person stands. I always need to just know.

Girls like me are just not what people want. People want cool and aloof and uncaring. I'll never be those things. And I'll always be alone.

I had accepted this for so long and then I started listening to my girlfriends. I know better. Girlfriends are not objective and nothing that they say holds any weight at all. Nothing. They already like you, you know? You've likely proven yourself to them and they like subjective things about you - and being cool and aloof isn't even acceptable in that context.

Dating is different and they don't know you subjectively, obviously. There are certain qualities that you must possess and I don't have those. I never have. And as much as I'd like to morph into someone else sometimes just to stave off loneliness, I've learned that it's just not possible. The 'me' in me always manages to break through, unfortunately.

So, I have to go back to accepting my aloneness. I had done pretty well until I allowed the interference of a few likely well intentioned friends. I think that I need to go back to the true isolation I unwittingly crafted a few years back. It's necessary; imperative even.

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