The Divine Miss M will be making her flower girl debut tomorrow night. Rehearsal is tonight. Throw some prayers up to Allah, God, Buddha or to whomever you direct your graces that this whole thing goes smoothly. Although, she's got a gorgeous dress and darling shoes and as all girl's know, that's more than half the battle. ;)

So, I'm really amazed at how easily fooled people are. Even those that claim to know me. I had the 'arrangement' with B - the friends with benefits arrangement. Occasionally, people will ask me if I like him in the real sense, not just the beneficial sense. And of course I say no, I don't even particularly like him that much, just monumentally attracted to him, etc. and that latter part is true - I am MONUMENTALLY attracted to him. But I always very casually say that no, beyond that, there's nothing. and what amazes me is that people actually believe me!! apparently, the only thing i have to do is say it and it's true.

but if i were being honest, and i will do so here, I completely have feelings for him. Of course I do. I can't believe people can't see it. I'm worse than a school girl. I light up everytime I see him. If he pays the slightest attention to me, I'm giddy inside and everytime his name pops up in my e-mail inbox, swarms of butterflies fly around my stomach. I replay his kisses in my head at least five times per day and when my warped little mind plays out its fantasies, his is the only face i see.

now, here's the difference between my literal school girl days and today. I don't act on it now. ever. i know better. i have, at least to this small degree, obtained wisdom in my many years. i know about classes now and for which people I am actually eligible - he's way out of my league. and I know the kind of guy he is, he's THAT guy - the one that participates in the serious but sporadic flirting. one of THOSE that gives you just enough attention to keep you hanging on, but not enough to really amount to anything and certainly not enough to make him accountable. he'll flirt just enough, but nothing more. and today, unlike years past, i recognize that now for what it is. he's McSteamy in a nicer shell. I know that, KNOW it and remind myself like a mantra during the times it's necessary - when he's smiling and flirting and outside i'm giggly and inside i'm giddy - then i repeat the mantra over and over that this is his just enough, play along casually and then stop, that's how to play the game and that's how to make sure it continues. i never put any stock to his flirtations, it never occurs to me that the phone ringing will mean he's calling, i know that if i never saw him again, he would only mildly notice. i get that now, whereas i didn't when i was younger and blindly looked for meaning in everything.

a friend of his, though, who we'll call H b/c unfortunately they both start with B and frankly, I'm not feeling that creative. He's a fun guy, a good guy and the better guy. I'm not monumentally attracted to him, but I am attracted and I recognize that he's the safe one, the more dependable one. he's the one you actually date and can put stock into his words and actions. this is what i am going to pursue and as far as anyone that matters knows, B was just a fling, sex for sex's sake. H is the one that I may openly have actual feelings for, should I so choose - and I do and I will. It's not a falsehood.

But B sends me an e-mail that says, "Good morning sunshine" and I can live on that the rest of the day.

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