happy birthday to me.

Okay, so i had a fight with a boy. an awful fight. and now we're supposed to go to the same party tonight. halloween party that happens to fall on my birthday. i have a costume and everything. there were issues of whether we would both go or he just wouldn't go if i was there - and if he doesn't go then there is a group of people that won't go. now, i'm a paranoid, hypersensitive creature who is unfortunately very obsessed with what other people think of me and whether I have friends, the latter a new development of the past few years as I have become more and more isolated as a single mom. So, to be told that an entire group of people may not go to a party solely b/c of my presence has seriously screwed with my psyche.

The host of the party told me to come and that if he wants to leave upon seeing me, he can leave. The fact that anyone would want to leave a party upon sighting me is fairly gut-wrenching and implicates almost every insecurity i possess, and there is a litany, let me tell you. I wonder if anyone really understands that about me, the degree to which that injures me? i'm suddenly that girl in school that no-one likes.

But do I want to sit at home alone on my birthday? I tried to talk myself into a long, hot bubble bath - but I did that last night when I should have been working but was instead distracted by the mantra of 'people won't go to the party b/c of you, you freaking loser. nobody wants you there. nobody wants you around. nobody ever will.' i thought a bath might clear my head and it did, a little.

i was going to go spend some time with my grandmother but she has plans - isn't that ironic, my grandmother has plans on my birthday and i don't?! good for granny, though.

i could have found some other mindless things to do but i was only going to be incessantly preoccupied with how i was supposed to be at a party but no-one wants me there.

i hate myself.

so, i had settled on going home and taking some sleeping pills and waking up tomorrow. but now the host has been kind enough to be insistent that i attend and if they leave, they leave. do you know what that will feel like for me? if an entire group of people leave a party simply b/c i'm there? jesus. what kind of pariah do you have to be exactly? and the thing is, i wasn't the mean one here. that's the best part. but when you're me, that doesn't matter. and at the end of the day, he's the more popular of the two - we're never really out of high school after all.

and what if no-one talks to me? that group obviously won't and i'm not remotely comfortable talking to them for obvious reasons. the problem being, they comprise the majority of the people that I know there. not all of them, but the majority.

i don't know if i can handle this and i don't know that i can relax enough to enjoy it at this point. So, should I go? Or is sleeping the day away the better option?

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