Annual Red River rivalry, crossing the border on the magic sooner bus - i.e., one long weekend of behaving badly.

I LOVE OU / Texas on the bus. I LOVE it!! I live for it in a way that I only otherwise live for Fest. It's so awesome to go somewhere, anywhere with a group of adolescent adults on a bus specifically designed with partying in mind and your only priority being to have mindless fun. I will, as I have in all years past, not go into detail out of basically one last attempt to salvage my dignity. However, I have returned with a significantly lighter wallet and scenes of mechanical bulls, dancing, tables, returning damsels with grass on their back, the most sincere 'seriously?' in history, waiving at stalkers, making other people's girlfriends say 'boomer sooner' and comic lines regarding vets dancing around in my head.

And b/c I am who I am, the most paranoid and overly-sensitive person known to anyone, I have to delve into the more bittersweet aspects - it seems amazing to me, more than a tad pathetic, really, that anyone could come out of OU/Texas weekend, especially our OU/Texas weekend with any substantive self reflection and yet, I manage that every year. Many things, I'll enumerate them as I go.

First, I always come back feeling decidedly unattractive. I mean, let's gain some perspective, I have gained literally fifteen pounds since last year's OU/Texas so it's not like I was suffering any illusions on that score pre-departure - and things are shifting in ways that only a woman approaching their mid 30s can understand. But every year, I see a gazillion girls get hit on like crazy and I can honestly say that not one time this weekend did anyone hit on me. Now, do I really want that to happen - if some drunk guy hits on me, will that just really make my weekend? Not particularly - it's one of those marvelous situations in which I just can't be made happy. I don't want some guy making stupid passes at me, but then I don't want to be too old and hideous for them to not, either.

Second, I don't know what I want. Well, I kind of do. I want someone that is willing to have sex whenever it's most convenient for me, and then otherwise, leave me alone in that sense. And honestly, for those that know me - it's fairly humorous that I would even say something like that. Two years ago, I would NEVER have said something like that and really meant it. I never slept around that much, I never felt comfortable enough to really enjoy it except for when I'd been dating the person a REALLY long time. So, two people and those weren't great experiences even then. Recently, I thought I found a guy for that exactly but I think he minds being used for sex - yeah, I know, what are the odds, right? but I don't even know that he does, actually. However, it's all rather immaterial b/c I rarely have the opportunity even if he's willing to accomodate whenever I see fit. And this weekend at one point, I wanted to but then some friends text'd (is that the right term?) to come over to their house-party so I immediately blew that off, went back to the hotel and then went out again. So, apparently, I just can't be bothered.

Also, all those years I wasn't sleeping around - I think maybe I did myself a disservice. I mean, do I really want to be someone that hopped from bed to bed? Well, honestly, not really, but maybe I'd be more comfortable in my own skin in that situation if I had. I don't know. I doubt it. And dating K, who was never happy with that aspect of me, probably didn't help. I think I'm just defective - although, I enjoyed it earlier this year. There was a girl this weekend that said that she put herself on a one year abstinence regimen - you mean, people actually have to make a conscious effort to do that? I have to make a conscious effort not to. I think that along with my own inability to be comfortable, is the fact that I just don't inspire that in males. 9.9 times out of 10, guys love for me to be their 'friend', like a sister to them, blah, blah, blah - and I know that when you get past what J has described as my acerbic wit, I'm extremely loyal, thoughtful, caring and trustworthy - I just don't necessarily think everyone needs to know that about me - but anyway, guys love that in a girl friend, a real friend. I don't inspire attraction - and really, the other descriptions are hugely complimentary, it's not that I don't appreciate that and my friends, my real friends, are like family and I wouldn't trade them for the world. It's just that sometimes, I want to be that other girl. just occasionally, I'd like to feel that way. but most of the time, it's okay that I don't.

Third, I don't think I could ever date someone seriously, I like my freedom way too much. I mean, sometimes I think I'm lonely - but I'm mostly just lonely for adult interaction. I'm remarkably isolated as a single mom with such a demanding job. But I've been on my own for technically six years and for all practical purposes, longer than that. I am quite used to going where I want, when I want and that would be a HUGE adjustment to me. I know that sounds like I'm just some selfish beast that can't be bothered with other people's needs but that's not true. I realize there would be very positive aspects of a relationship but being realistic, any limit to my freedom of choice besides those already in place by more tangential responsibilities would be extremely hard to accomodate at this point. And I am not sure I will ever want to. Maybe that does make me selfish. I'm not sure. Can two people date seriously and not limit the other person's freedom? (I don't mean being able to cheat on each other freely - I loathe cheaters and see it as the ultimate betrayal of loyalty, and without loyalty, I have no use for you.) I mean, just not limit each other's choices on time, activities? I don't know. I never dated that much. I don't even really know how it works, to be honest.

Fourth, things with MOT are a bit out of hand. I mean, I didn't even see him this weekend, and he found me at the game with his binoculars from across the stadium, which is a little creepy, and then took something I text to him completely out of context and left me voice mails that were really rather mean spirited without first asking me a thing. I sent him a text after I got his messages telling him that he had misunderstood me before and that straightened it out - but he was really fairly cruel in the messages he left. So, I think my hestitation about seeing him is well founded. Especially since I get my feelings hurt so easily. I called my Dad Sunday morning and told him that sometimes the only nice guy a girl knows is her Dad. He immediately told me, "yes, but I'm only nice to my daughters." Can't imagine where I get my constant joking, huh? Although, he did get concerned when he realized something was really bothering me. I adore my Dad.

Fifth, I'm not sure why people assume all single women are angry with men. An older lady I was talking to this weekend said that when she met her husband, she was 'angry with men too.' What? Where did she derive that 'too?' I'm not angry with men - granted, I joke a lot about it b/c it's such an easy laugh but I'm well aware that just as many men get screwed over by women as women do by men. I'm not angry with men - it's people in relationships with other people that I'm not so crazy about. I've said it many times, people just aren't careful with each other. They're not. That's not isolated or otherwise limited in any way to men. I don't like that assumption being laid on me. I have way more guy friends, than girl friends and I spend half my time wanting to go slap particular girls for the mean things they do to my boys.

Lastly, I'm tired. If I had simply stayed at the hotel Saturday night whenever I got back at midnight ... I think it was that last hurrah that did it. but oh well, it was fun.

At the end of the weekend, I think a good time was had by all and as usual, I'll analyze it to death.

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