So, OU/Texas is this weekend. We leave on Friday - a big gang of us pile on a renovated bus and dedicate ourselves to pure unadulterated fun - the key word there being "unadult." And I was/am looking forward to this ... and then this morning I discovered that there will be a gaggle of significantly younger girls going along with us. Young girls, of course, is synonymous with skinny, giggly with perky boobs. Um, yeah. Exposure to these creatures is fairly devastating to those of us who left each and every one of those qualities behind about ten years ago. (Although, I've never been giggly, thank god.) Ten years ago I was skinny and had perky boobs. Today that kind of skinniness has long since abandoned me and perkiness left my boobs years ago, to be replaced with deflated, misshapen lumps that lost the battle with breastfeeding and gravity. Come to think of it, they didn't even put up much of a fight, which is a bit of betrayal in itself. No-one in life turns on you faster than your own body after you turn 30.

Needless to say, I'm considerably less enthused.

A client gave me, GAVE me, 50 yard line seats - these tickets go for hundreds of dollars so I was immensely pleased and grateful. My parents are paying for the hotel for my birthday. Really, I should have a marvelous time. I'll just have to keep to myself a bit from the scary, skinny girls.

It will be fun. I'll just keep telling myself that.

And here you'll once again have to humor the lyrics obsessed girl that I am. Last night, watching one of those damn tv shows, I heard the first line of a song that said something like, "I want you between me and that feeling I get when I miss you." I LOVED that. It took me forever this morning to find it but I did. so good and so i offer you the following lyrics:

Throw Me A Rope

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

-The thing about that is when I hear words like that, I don't think about old lovers, I think about friends - real friends, those that make up the tribe you grow up and choose. I don't know that I see that as a shortcoming - and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to. Maybe it's because I've never actually had the lover relationship that leaves a girl with that quintessential exlover that haunts you forever.

One time, a very long time ago, I was completely in love with S. He was my first grown up love (although, I have to admit I would still use the term 'grown up' there loosely). Anyway, I still can't think of him without feeling a certain amount of heartache - that feeling of how much I loved him and how much, in the end, he didn't love me in return. This type of relationship will lead you to refer to fictional vacations to Costa Rico - but that's another story. Anyway, words of missing this or that when its in reference to substance - I guess that's why they never bring him to mind. He never gave me much by way of substance in return.

Wow, that was quite a side trip.

Anyway, I think I might be destined to only have intense friendships. We can't all couple up after all. Maybe the reason I hold friendships and my chosen tribe so close to my heart is that in the end, I know they will be all I have - and maybe that will be enough.

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