Okay, I have a problem - I am absolutely obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. I'm apparently not alone so I suppose there's some comfort there? The thing is, two years ago, I didn't watch TV and that was a point of pride for me - I NEVER watched it, with the exception of West Wing and then when Aaron left, I didn't watch that anymore either. So, here I am becoming a slave to the TV - Grey's completely has me under it's spell, DH I won't be missing and now I watched that damn show after it, Brothers & Sisters (which I swore I wouldn't watch b/c the lead goes home to Harrison Ford in real life and as I've stated before, he's my Johnny Depp) and tonight, I REALLY want to check out Studio 60 b/c Aaron is the writer and he's incapable of writing anything bad.

And so. I am a slave to the television medium. It doesn't help my desire to live in my head either. It feeds it actually - tremendously. And then I wonder about the fact that I don't have the internet at home right now but when I did, I was a slave to it. I suppose it's just a trade off of addictions.

I went to the OU game with MOT and I finally did it. I took a deep breath, braced myself for the possibility that it might be truly hideous and I let him kiss me. It was ... okay. It wasn't great, but it was okay. I can handle it. We took the divine to the game and he bought her face stickers and a hair ribbon and me, a shirt. and then he bought her all kinds of junk during the game. I can't even describe how nice it was to have someone paying for everything and not stressing over every nickel we spent - although, if it were just me, we would not have been able to go much less be leisurely about it. That part of it was nice.

And I wonder about how unfair it is that I'll never care about him in the same way that he supposedly does me. Then J says that he knows exactly what he's getting and not to concern myself with that, "besides, the fucker cost you a great job." And this is true. So, that leaves me to the question of can I do it, can I participate in a relationship in which I don't feel anything beyond distant fondnessjust for fun and financial stability? I'm almost 34, I have no retirement and I won't be able to save any on my own, 60% of the month I'm overdrawn, I owe $30K more in student loans than I did when I got out of law school and that is only going to continue to increase, as it stands, I'll not be able to put the Divine through college ... it's the smart thing to do. i KNOW that. and yet, I just don't know if I can do it. While the kiss was occurring, I was thinking "okay, this isn't so bad" followed closely by "why can't this be someone I really feel something for and am attracted to?!?!?!?"

And it doesn't help that I'm really embarrassed to be with him. how wrong is that?! who do i think i am? no-one is beating down my door to be seen with me and they never have so why can't i just do this?!

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