Had an appointment with martha this week (I think that's what I called her on here). anyway, we were discussing that my circumstances have been worse, although never ideal, and I am still unhappy. I admitted that I still think about suicide quite a lot. I don't mean I make plans or am going to do it tomorrow, but it's always there in my peripheral vision. I think maybe I'm afraid to let it go. B/c if I let it go, then I'm surrenduring to life - you would think that contrary to what one would typically think but really, it fits exactly. If I don't have that out always to use against life, then there's no safety net. If I don't have that option, then I don't have any control ... and there's the crux of the matter we've been disocvering - my issues with control go beyond the norm, it seems. I don't know how to change that. Has a lot to do with why I want to live in my head, b/c I can control my fantasies. Here, there is no control and not a damn thing you can do about it.

I don't know if I know HOW to be happy. Short of tragedy or the like, I think I might agree with some that it's a choice. I'm not sure I completely buy into that but I can see the logic. And I am just so ... I just don't know that happiness really fits me. I don't think I could wear it well. Yesterday I explained to someone that, frankly, this was who i was - pessimistic and sarcastic and that people may as well decide to find it charming b/c it wasn't going anywhere.

And I'm so lonely. today at lunch they were discussing various places 'singles' go and I can't go to any of them or do anything b/c I have to get a sitter and I never have any money for a sitter. I never have any money. I am stuck always b/c I can't pay a sitter. I am just so lonely.

And did you SEE Grey's Anatomy? And I love the internet - where I can now find out from those in Canada who accidentally saw episode 2 everything for next week. Patience - another quality I lack. ;)

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