Okay, so, yeah, I never update. But I never have anything interesting to say.

Got back from Fest last week. Is it odd to live for one week per year, literally? I mean, I just think of everything as getting through until I can get back? According to my therapist, I'm supposed to work on that but expanding your community takes time and money, neither of which I have.

I'm so freaking broke, words can't even explain. Upon arriving back to this life (I refuse to call this real life), I discovered that the afternoon kindergarten that M was going to attend is not open on Friday - a little fact that those non-working Moms that recommended the program managed to neglect to tell me. So, I had to quickly get her into a private school, which had already started, resulting in me shelling out a total of $600 that I did not anticipate at all. Saying I'm broke is a big freaking understatement. I'm looking into one of those payday loans.

Anyway, I don't want to be here. A strange thing - I understand why I feel happier at Fest, free-er, more myself, comfortable in my own skin, safer, valuable, worthy, my priorities straighter, I even feel prettier there which I understand only until I get home and look at the pics and wonder what the hell I was thinking, but regardless, I get why I feel all those things while I'm there - except for the fact that I also feel younger while I'm there. Huh. That I don't get, except that I do feel that way.

I miss my Fest friends, my Fest community, the food, the walks along the wood chip paths, constant music playing and constant acts of kindness and thoughtfulness among womyn, Elvira, laughing, sleeping in my tent and listening to the footsteps of womyn, feeling like I belong, drumming, the hot days and the coolness of night - it is endless and unexplainable simultaneously. I miss it all. And my heart aches for it - so, I try to concentrate on holding on to it and bringing part of that mindset back here with me. But it's hard.

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