I was watching Grey's Anatomy tonight and it ended with a little narrative about something I've thought for a long time ... that you are born into one family but then you grow up to choose the one more appropriate for whomever you actually become. I have to say I've always thought that to be true, hoped it even.

My chosen tribe is almost as eclectic as one can be and scattered from here to there. They could never mesh with each other. Sometimes, usually even, the only commonality they have is me - but for a chosen tribe, unlike with blood/marital relations, it's all it takes. And that, all by itself - this phenomenon that occurs when I talk to someone about another person - two people that would likely never have any reason or innate desire to even have a conversation, but will suddenly care about the other b/c they both care about me - the degree to which that makes me feel special is almost profound.

I've read that we're the first generation that really define ourselves by our friends - that always strikes me as sad for those that came before us b/c at the end of the day, it really is friendship that gets me through. The only thing that I've ever found dependable are those people that I consider friends - and I don't mean the casual aquaintances or even good pals and buddies - I mean those friendships that become intimate, innate parts of your soul. I think this is a large reason why there is no value, no characteristic, no act or thought or feeling, no virtue that is more important to me than loyalty. I can suffer most anything, but disloyalty is unforgivable and inexcusable. But I digress ...

Perhaps the generations before us didn't allow for those kinds of relationships and that's why they formed their definitions elsewhere. No matter. I have a small, highly eclectic, group of people that make up my chosen tribe - the individuals that I turn to for the every day and the monumental. Perhaps it isn't supposed to be that way. I mean, perhaps it really is supposed to be your family that serves that role but I've never found that particular concept, or reality, terribly dependable and certainly not fulfilling. Those choice people that I consider my friends, those are the people that complete me and certainly what I would like to define me.

Maybe b/c it's friendships and not family that serve that role, I'll have more moments of fleeting loneliness. I don't know. But it's not a choice on my part, it's just where my heart is. My family network is scattered from California to Michigan and all places in between. But those are the few people with whom I'll share. This reality of geography could dictate that I'll never know the immediacy that comes with having actual relations fill that role. However, I've experienced immeasurable depths of loneliness and despair when waiting for the arms my traditional so-called family to catch me; and watched others expericence the same. Any catching, rescuing, commiserating or consoling from family typically comes with strings attached, either before or after, advice when all I need is a caring body and not a moving mouth, or judgment and disapproval that I normally heap upon myself just fine, thank you.

I have to say that in spite of the fact that they're often catching me at a distance, the arms of my chosen tribe always provide a much softer fall.

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