Oh, so much to talk about, which is very rare for me.

Last Thursday was my first birthday since my great-grandmother passed away. I anticipated it to be a much more somber day than those past - to the extent they even register anymore. But luckily, although it certainly affected my mood early in the day, I have been blessed with a multitude of friends and they managed, without even any concerted effort, to time very pleasant surprises throughout the day. Just small things and some bigger things throughout the day, leaving me with an overall feeling of gratefulness I wasn't sure I was going to be able to achieve this year, and couldn't have on my own.

So, on to Friday night and the Halloween party. I went as a naughty catholic schoolgirl. The costume came together way better than I could have hoped. I can honestly say that it is VERY RARE that I feel attractive - and I really felt like I didn't just look like a trashy school girl b/c I managed to keep it from being too far that way, I think anyway. But I thought that I actually looked pretty good - and me saying that may be one of the strangest occurrences of this calendar year. But you know what? In the end, I only remembered once again that looking attractive, occasionally, is fleeting. There may be some guy or girl, depending on the setting, that finds you momentarily attractive, but at the end of the day, there is never going to be anyone that is dedicated to ME. In the end, I'll go home alone and maybe, maybe someone might want to flirt just long enough to pass the time, maybe even, were I a little easier (and sometimes I wonder why I'm not), want to spend enough effort to spend a whole night with me - but no-one is ever going to look at me and say, you see that girl, I want to spend my life with her. I want her to raise our children and build a life together and wake up with her everyday b/c she matters to me, she's that special ... blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.

And here's the weird thing - most of the time, I don't even want that. Well, that's not entirely true - obviously, that would be my ideal, I think it would be almost everyone's ideal, but I think that there isn't anyone that I coudl trust like that. And that isn't limited to one sex/gender - I just don't think people in general are trustworthy. I don't mean non-trustworthy as in everyone cheats eventually, although I realize that a lot of people do, but I mean, I don't think that people are careful with each other. At least, it has not been my experience that people are careful with me. The irony of course being that I finally figured out, at least in general, what it takes, what you really have to put in of yourself to make a relationship work - now, when I also realize (or maybe b/c I realize, I don't know) that it's just not for me. So, most of the time, looking for a relationship doesn't enter my mind, it doesn't occur to me that it's missing or that I'm supposed to be looking for one - but every now and then, and for some reason, more lately, I am reminded of why it doesn't.

I was with a guy for approximately five years, on and off, that really screwed me up. The odd part was - he isn't a bad guy and he didn't blatantly mistreat me, I don't think the damage that he did was necessarily conscious on his part but he convinced me after the end of that time, that I wasn't worthy of a real relationship and family. That somehow I was undeserving of that. It's a long story and I honestly don't think that was his intent and he would likely be horrified to realize that was a major consequence with which I walked away but, be that as it may, it was. And as a result, I had the Divine Miss M in the manner that I did and I decided "Okay, fine," if there was just no way that I was ever going to mean enough to any male, then so be it. It's not as if I wasn't attracted to women, maybe more so in most ways and then maybe not. Who knows.

Regardless, most of the time, I really don't want a relationship. I look at my life and think about the addition of one more responsibility, which relationships are if they're solid, and I just shudder at the thought. Plus, I've never been good at sharing my island, I feel easily suffocated and have been told that in actuality, I have my own continent, and very restricted borders. And when I do have any kind of encounter, casual or otherwise, I prefer to be in complete control and able to walk away as I please - guilt free. Still though, occasionally, when I let go enough to consider that maybe I want to open the borders a little, I'm slapped with the reality that there still isn't anyone that wants to be granted access. And it hurts.

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