every day i swear to myself that i'm going to get in bed early and every night my head fails to hit the pillow until the wee hours. Why is that? I'm like a vampire, suddenly gaining energy and life as soon as the light vanishes. so, i spend my days with the heaviest eyes and daydream about closing my office door and laying my head on my desk. i have actually done that in the past - at other offices. i would love to have that desk George had on Seinfeld when he was working for the Yankees - however, my luck is very similar to his so i'm sure the result would have been similar as well.

i'm also determined to clean my house tonight. i did at least do the dishes last night but the place is a cluttered mess and the kitchen floor needs desparately to be swept and i need to rediscover the floor of my bedroom.

when lent began, i went to the ash wednesday service and my pastor presented the best sermon, or homily, whatever. she was talking about the tradition of giving something up for lent, the real meaning of that, etc. that lent should be a time that you renew your relationship with God and therefore, it's about either giving soemthing up that you feel interferes with your relationship with God or maybe instead adding something that you feel will enrich your relationship with God. A few weeks prior, her Sunday service included a description of 3 catagories of people. The first was basically the person that was all talk, that intended to really center their life around God and talked a lot about it but never got around to actually doing it. The second was the person that was ready to give up everything to follow God except for that ONE thing - that thing usually being an addiction of sorts (not limited to your basic, drugs, alcohol, food) that you use to gain your primary fulfillment, that thing that you often don't tell people about b/c it embarrases you, etc. And then the third type that truly has reached a point in their life where they take a daily walk with God. I knew immediately that I was the second type of person - in actuality, it was almost comforting to know that such "addictions" existed commonly and that I wasn't simply a freak in that aspect. (and no, i'm not going to get into what constitutes what i will refer to as my addiction). During the ash wednesday service, i put the two messages together in my head and decided that i would use lent to give that up and at the same time, renew my relationship with God, which would be the only way I would have the strength to give the other up anyway. I thought that being careful to add a daily devotional into my life would help immensely and make it possible to actually succeed.

That first week i did great and did think that if i continued on that path, then my relationship would truly feel renewed by Easter. However, that second week, I went plummetting off the proverbial wagon. So, now I'm trying to climb back on but it's been really difficult. I never knew that we could have real addictions, aside from those most common referred to above, and how you depend on and NEED those things for your fulfillment, for your existence. but i'm trying to get back on the wagon and getting back to at least a daily devotional but this is the hardest thing i've ever done and there is no way that I can accomplish it without God, I do know that.

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