i don't write here more often b/c quite frankly, i just don't know what to write about that would seem remotely interesting. but i still like too so i suppose that i should do it more often.

i started taking effexor a few months ago. beginning, of course, with a small dosage and increasing over time. i think that it is actually helpful, however, there were a few days there where i didn't take it and i started to feel physical effects. basically, then, i'm dependent on this medication, like an addiction and then i get on the internet and it seems that there are a lot of people that go through horrible withdrawal symptoms when they stop taking it, even those that try to ween themselves off as their doctor instructs. so, now i'm worried that i'm going to suffer long term consequences from this medication - but is that enough to consider going ahead and weening myself off. i can't decide. i like the relative stability i have right now but then the idea of dependence and withdrawal wars with that in my mind. i suppose i'll talk to the doc about it this thursday but i only see him for the meds and he does not fill the role of my regular therapist - and frankly, i'm not terribly fond of him. but i've only seen him once so i'm probably rushing to judgment a bit.

i got the divine's valentine pic proofs from her school yesterday. she's such a cutie. i swear they wait until after the children have played outside for at least an hour in this, the windiest area in the nation, before they take their pics. so that cute little ponytail and bow that her hair was in is a bit dissheveled but oh well, they're still cute pics.

i really like my new job. i am enjoying working in the legal field for perhaps the first time since i got out of law school six years ago. the pay cut is killing me - however, they did agree to a very large raise to keep me from applying with the AG's office when i had only been here for approximately two months. that goes into effect with my next check. it still WAY less than i was making before but i can work with it on an extremely tight budget. so, i just have to make it to receiving that tax return to hopefully catch things up b/c right now i have creditors calling constantly. i LOVE when they call and immediately give their spill about who they are, who they represent, what i owe and then cheerily ask if i would like to take care of that with a credit card or check by phone - not in the sense of asking if i CAN take care of it but just a matter of choosing b/w the two options. Um, yeah, see, if i COULD take care of it in any fashion, we wouldn't be having the conversation in the first place. Also, when I say that I can pay something in mid-February, i am infinitely curious as to why they call at least a dozen times in between to see what i would like to pay on that day - hmmm, is it mid-February yet (and at the time, it was still the end of January)? No? Then, um, i'm not going to be paying anything today. i don't neglect to pay my bills b/c i enjoy talking to you people so threats about ruining my credit, etc. aren't going to change my explanation that i have NO money.

Anyway, enough about that.

i often hesitate to write about sexual things on here while other people feel free to write about it fairly openly. i wonder though if it is just me or are there times that other people's sexual fantasies are far better than reality. i've only had a long term sexual relationship with one woman and since i don't sleep around, not a whole lot of short sexual relationships with one either - in fact, not since i was much younger. anyway, sex with a male was never all that for me. aside from the actual act, men just don't typically spend the time necessary to really learn how to ... you know, every woman is different and typically it takes a little effort to make it what it is for them - even aside from that universal quest for an orgasm. men just typically have to do a few pushups and it's all good. but at least for me, all the stars have to be in alignment, i have to be really comfortable, there has to be some buildup, etc. anyway, the only time reality has lived up to fantasy is when i had the long term relationship with beth and now i'm wondering if i'm destined to only find satisfaction in my own self-created fantasies, etc. i mean, that will get you through i suppose but it isn't satisfying in the long term, is it? i don't know.

and i also want to know why it is that i've never possessed a great sex drive and now, of all times, when i'm a single mom with little to no time to expend on actually meeting someone that i might remotely consider a relationship with, it has kicked in. i mean, i know women's sexual peak is supposedly early thirties and i'm right in that but i thought that just made the act better, not increased your desire in general. maybe it's just another example of murphy's law at work.

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