i got a parking ticket today. my first. i've often heard people referring to them - always seemingly in a context of their being nothing really, certainly giving the impression that nothing could possibly accompany them beyond a petty fine. well, $50 later, i can tell you that the fine is far from petty, in my mind.

then i went to see a psychiatrist - my therapist wants me to see someone that can prescribe medication for depression, which i have to agree i likely need. that appointment cost $205.00. clearly, clearly, clearly the career path i should have tread. Thus far today, I have effectively spent around $300.00 - with very little to show for it. the psych. also told me that he has seen more female lawyers as clients than he can count and only two of them have been happy with it and many of them get out of practice, one way or another.

and then i made deals with the devil to find someone to pick up my child this afternoon and watch her for a few hours so that i could work late. i have things to get done and i will but i can't say that i'm not a little irritated that my bosses have already left for the day and i won't at least be getting brownie points for the whole staying extremely late thing. and the fact that thought even crossed my mind is enough to make my skin crawl - i've clearly been influenced by office politics. i'd almost prefer to be a serial killer.

last night i called her. i've mentioned her, i'm sure but i'm not sure what name i called her and frankly i don't care to scroll back through my entries to find out. anyway, i resolved to ask her to coffee but kept missing her on tuesday nights at church SO last night, i decided, what the hell and i called her - only to have some very strange conversation with her father who is apparently visiting for the holidays. i left my name but she isn't going to place me, i'm sure. i'm taking it as a sign that i'm not really meant to complete this quest.

i don't like seeing any type of therapist person for the first time. you have to start with the whole why you're there thing and obviously, it isn't exactly positive factors or characteristics or events or what have you that lead you to the therapist's couch, so to speak. so, you spend a good portion of that first hour painting this horrific, dysfunctional oftentimes embarrassing portrait of yourself - and inevitably, b/c the clock runs out before you get much further, or perhaps i'm the only one with that much baggage, you leave still immersed in all of this negativity - b/c it isn't as if you're offered the magic cure to all that ails you in that last five minutes. there has to be a better way, don't you think? perhaps the first session should just be you and the therapist playing the ungame or something. maybe a little trivial pursuit or other lighthearted entertainment ... twister might be a little too personal but something other than "let me tell you all the things wrong with me so that i can experience them all again in a short period of time and then walk out the door feeling oh so good about myself, my life and all the decisions i've made right up until i sat down in your chair"

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