warning: this is basically written in a stream of consciousness context (in other words, it's a lot of rambling gibberish)

so, here's a new one, or maybe it's an old one. the judge asked me to go to OU/Texas with him - we would stay in his hotel room BUT it was a suite and he would, of course, sleep on the couch. "No strings attached," he said. If I could have only one gift, it would be that I could tell such blatant lies with as straight a face as men can so often do. However, as they were 50 yard line seats, 25 rows up - I have to admit that I was tempted, I mean, he's almost 60 and I'm almost 32 - surely I could fend him off!! Kidding. I just told him that I wasn't comfortable with that, someone would inevitably see us (knowing my luck) and I didn't want to be cast in that light; so, it just wasn't a good idea. THEN he called me on my cell phone after the game and left a message saying that he had wished that I was there and that there was no-one else he would rather have taken. UGH!!! I have an interview with a firm on Wednesday, say a prayer that I actually get it!!

In other news, however, I did go to Dallas for the game with some friends who have the magic sooner bus, as i have taken to calling it. it was quite the drunkfest and although i don't recover as quickly as i used to and 48 hours of alcohol consumption left me quite the tired girl today - I had a BLAST. And Saturday night, I rode a mechanical bull. HA!! That's a bit of a long story but nevertheless, i had soooo much fun and danced my ass off. Plus, we won the game, of course - 5 years in a row of beating the longhorns - can't beat that!! in sum, i had enough fun this weekend that i am on some kind of natural high, complete with the occasional blush from vague memories regarding dancing, a pole, bull riding, dignified trips to the "good" port-a-potties and other such unsundry things ...

having said all that, i came to some realizations this weekend. Admittedly, I think that if a road trip on the magic sooner bus can result in enlightenment, then you're life is surely lacking in substance. be that as it may, I discovered, as I have long suspected, I am incredibly lonely - I don't mean for a date or companionship, I mean, in general. Also, I am seriously considering dating - again, nothing serious, but casual dating - however, I've only ever done that once in my entire life so I'm not sure that I know how. Plus, I can count on two hands how many times I've been asked out on a date so I'm not even sure it's an entirely realistic desire. Also, thanks to a seemingly innocuous conversation I had with a guy on the way home, I discovered that I'm seriously old - maybe not in years but in life (ironic since he's 7 years older than me). We were all talking about a "dos and donts of sex" article in a magazine that i was reading and from that, he asked me several things, most of which I wouldn't answer as they were a tad personal obviously, but two of those questions were a) what I found attractive in a person and b) if i had ever slept with someone who was just a friend and/or kissed someone who was just a friend (that makes this conversation sound a little more suggestive than it was, it went with the article completely so don't read that as terribly leading - it was the first day in 48 hours that the two of us, at least, weren't consuming heavy amounts of alcohol - i'm not sure that either of us were physically or mentally capable of flirting). Anyway, when asked what I found attractive in someone (and we weren't talking about physically), I realized that I have no actual idea - I am so far removed from the possibility of a relationship with anyone, I don't have even a notion of what I find attractive. It never enters my mind, not at all. Needless to say, that bothered me.

Then when we were discussing having sex with friends and/or on a first date, I explained that I had only ever had sex on a first date once and that I had never had sex with someone that was a friend of mine (the article was discussing whether people thought it was a do or don't to have sex with a friend during a dry spell). i did explain that i had had friends that I kissed sometimes "when I was younger" and he said jokingly, in reference to the 'when I was younger' part of the answer, that it still works the same way. What occurred to me is that it could never happen in my life now b/c I don't have any friends really that I hang out with or meet anywhere - i am so isolated that while it may 'work the same way,' in my reality, it doesn't. not that i want to make a pasttime of kissing friends - it was the bigger picture that bothered me. i am always startled to realize how isolated i am. i didn't want this weekend to end, i didn't want to go back to my real life - not b/c of responsibilities, etc., hell, everyone wants to escape those at times - but b/c it meant going back to a world where i never have any interaction with people, not any substantive interaction anyway. i just sit in this house by myself (with a three year old) and then go to work and then come back here. however, i am in all likelihood about to end up at a law firm somewhere and that inevitably means little to no life outside of whatever occurs between me and the divine in this house at night.

it occurs to me that perhaps had i not made decisions that resulted in a life that does not allow for social interaction and/or had i not sought out an education that i could not afford, or if perhaps i had chosen a career that does not suck the opportunity for life right out of you, that i might not so often contemplate suicide. and while i am currently riding a natural high, like every good addict knows, it's just a temporary fix. the future still seems incredibly bleek and i'm no closer than i was yesterday to fixing that. however, i didn't spend any of my time today surfing the internet for painless yet potent suicide methods, and perhaps that's how i should measure success for now.

and is it the fact that pizza is high in sodium that it leaves you ridiculously thirsty for at least thirty hours?!?!?!?!

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