what is there to say today? just once i would like to come here with pleasant thoughts, humorous anecdotes and the like but alas, i can't seem to pick myself up out of the abyss long enough to do that ... and as i am unable to generate the happy face for my e-diary that i display to those around me, these entries are consumed by my darker thoughts.

and you know what? i'm tired of it, i'm tired of feeling this way ... but i at least don't feel the same level of anxiety that i normally do b/c i think i've truly resigned myself to the fact that my future does not hold a silver lining. i owe more in student loans than i'll ever be able to get out from under and all to hold a degree that won't be leading to financial success, or even stability. the only thing that i can do is go back to school, doubling my debt in order to do something else and then what? i'll be in twice the trouble. and i can't support the divine miss m in the long term. nor in the short term for that matter, in light of the fact that i am supposed to be looking for a job right now and the only one that i can find will result in cutting my salary in half. hah! i barely make it now - although, my monthly student loan payment would be such a large percentage of my income that i would qualify for a lower one, i think. who the hell knows. my monthly payment now is more than my rent and my last one is in 12/2031 - so, you tell me, does it seem likely that i'm going to get out from under this anytime soon? it would be comical if it weren't so hideously realistic.

so, i'm getting busy with the arrangements for the divine in the event of my demise ... making sure that the right family is going to welcome her and raise her as their own and ... we'll see. i'm more at peace now and i'm absolutely certain that my friend, tori, and her family will provide a better life for her than i can, financially and otherwise. i have no earthly idea what i'm doing in this parenting thing and i've never tried harder at anything - but the divine miss m is completely out of control and has quite a few serious issues for a child her age. thus, i've also accepted that i'm failing miserably at this as well.

and given those things, i just don't see what there is to do in the future. in both parenting and career, i've failed and there is no going back on either. i can't try any harder on the parenting front believe me and the results thus far have been less than acceptable.

i am accepting defeat. And I guess Janis Joplin was right in saying, "Courage is just another word for nothing left to lose" b/c I don't feel like I have anything to fear anymore and for that, i am grateful.

<< & >>