I wonder if I'll ever get past my fixation with what other people think, if they like me, if they're unhappy with me, my certainty that they typically are and my constant need for reassurance that i'm mistaken - even though i'm oftentimes not.

I thought that I would grow out of this as I grew up. I'm 31 and either I'm not going to grow out of it naturally or I haven't grown up - I have no idea which of those I'd prefer. And I'm only ever happy with myself if others are pleased with me first - and aside from the myriad of psychological problems with that stance - it's fleeting even then b/c I question their sincerity and if not their sincerity, then I question whether they are correct in their assessment. And the serenity that envelopes me when I receive other people's approval is double-edged because when the obvious nature of my need for that becomes so apparent, it disgusts me. I disgust me.

It's maddening to live in my head and most of the time, a lot of the time, I'd like for it to just end. Just so I can quit worrying about it all the freaking time, so I can quit being consumed by concern and hoop-jumping and the inability to experience any peace. I want to be someone else. I want to be someone whose mind does not force them to perpetually live in a place that is not quite hell, but is just down the road and might actually be worse b/c in this place, hope can remain, just to taunt - to show me what life could be if only i were different, better, wittier and more talented, if i just fulfilled my responsibilities and measured up to my expectations and to those of everyone around me.

i want to stop feeling guilty for everything and for nothing and for things that I can't control. and i want to sleep, just one night, a full night of sleep.

and mostly, right now, i miss CHNACAT

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