would you like to know the saddest irony? while I was writing yesterday's entry regarding my recent fixation with ending this life, my favorite uncle had actually done it the night before and I just didn't know yet. i have to wonder if God doesn't have a really sick sense of humor.

and this has also reminded me of my thoughts that there should be unique rings when the call is going to deliver heartbreaking news. You should not have to listen to someone tell you something devestating when you were only prepared to participate in mindless chatter. It might seem odd but it has always amazed me that the ring sounds the same, whether the call is bearing something completely innocuous or something that will shake your foudation. i heard an older person say once that life really comes down to phone calls, b/c it was a phone call that told her that her husband had died, and another her mother, and another her son. and i see now what she meant and if that's the way it has to be, fine, but dammit, i think we should at least be given a few seconds to prepare - is that so much to ask? ... i suppose that this is some kind of misdirected anger on my part but right now, i really don't give a damn.

And all I can do is pray that he has peace now and try to ignore my fear that peace doesn't come with death, b/c if I accepted that right now, I don't think I could handle this. it's funny, b/c yesterday i said that there are right reasons for making this type of decision and i still believe that, even today after this. my uncle was an alcoholic, in the truest sense of the word. every time i would think that he had hit rock bottom, he would find a way to redefine that for me. but during the sober periods, he was witty, intelligent, criminally charming and so handsome ... but his life was just tormented with alcohol and all of the bad decisions that went with that. and i have to say that once i got over the initial shock, aside from my heart break at knowing that he was gone, that this wasn't just another period where we couldn't find him but that instead he was really gone, i felt nothing but the deepest compassion for him and thought that maybe now, maybe now he'll know peace. i don't know if you're supposed to feel such an understanding when someone takes their own life. but i do - i do for him. my great grandmother, my uncle's mother, died giving birth to him - he was the youngest of her five children. i think that somehow he always felt responsible for that. and i just want him to be peaceful, i want an end to his torment and please, please let his mother be with him now and telling him how she loved him and she would have done it again.

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