There is information I would like to gather, that might have been beneficial to me had I thought to obtain it ten years ago . . . or perhaps 15 (there are times when I'm a bit jarred by the fact that counting back 10 years still keeps me within an age range of accountability)

There are things I wonder about myself, about other people; I am infinitely curious as to whether others have somehow taken on the same characteristics in their adult life as I - or maybe these qualities only rear their ugly heads in the lives of single parent attorneys, or single parents, or every adult that has spread themselves too thin or has unrealistic expectations of themselves - or are those really distinguishing characteristics? Maybe the inevitability of adulthood is that we all hold the desire for the mirror to answer that we are the fairest, the most successful, the least wrong (assuming we've accepted the impossiblity of perfection) . . . but we can't all be, can we?

I don't notice silence anymore - with the rattles in my head and the colors in my eyes that seem to have taken on their own voice so that I can barely hear above them. I can't remember the last time I had a personal life; I'm not entirely sure that there was one to forget. I went from student to mommy and in there somewhere slipped in the word attorney - but it doesn't fit on so many levels. I'm fairly certain that adulthood was usurped altogether by one or all of those labels - and I'm beginning to believe two of them are faltering because 'adulthood' was supposed to provide their foundation.

The consequences of once believing one can have it all are far-reaching, that you are the exception simply because you choose to be ... God, in his infinite wisdom, may forgive easily, but Life is rarely as lenient. Without foundation, there is no ground upon which to crash, and I burn so easily nowadays . . . Or more appropriately, disintegrate - because it's a slow and quiet process, it must sound like the hush of cathedrals crashing, loggias and columns tumbling to the ground . . . still managing to land with an air of indignancy.

Yes, it's disintegration - because that can occur without anyone really noticing, even yourself for a while.

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