i am in such an unbelievably bad mood . . . i feel hostile toward this stupid bit*h that is over supplies for the courthouse - for those of you who watched Seinfeld, you'll appreciate that I've dubbed her, quite accurately, the supply nazi. you would not believe the hell it has caused just to order a freaking barrister bookcase for my office - truly, I despise this woman.

But right now I despise everyone. I am so freaking isolated here and so sick of it. I can't get my hands on OU/TX tickets for less than $1K and the truth is, I wouldn't have anyone to take me with me, even if I got tickets. How fucking pathetic is that? I think that V and B are taking some other couple and that, in some screamingly childish way, hurts my feelings. I'm sure that it will be a hetero, yuppie couple that they prefer now anyway. So, in true cut off your nose to spite your face fashion, i'm just going to make sure that I make plans for the divine miss m and myself that day so I won't be at home watching it alone. I'm never going to have friends here if I don't get myself into a hetero couple - and that thought sickens and depresses me all the more.

Frankly, there are times I just want to die - and that thought leads to a strange circular thought process b/c my next thought is that I can't die b/c of the divine and then I think how much easier getting the hell out of here would be if it weren't for the divine. ironic, isn't it?

i'm going to pick her up tonight and we're going to go buy cookie dough and icing so that we can make sugar cookies and then i can add orange food coloring to the icing and we can ice the cookies - she's so funny, spending a good fifteen minutes on each one that she ices - b/c it's orange week at school and i signed up to bring the orange snacks for tomorrow. i'm going to try to bury myself in the joys of being her mommy and not think about anything beyond that and maybe if i could just learn to extend that to my entire life and not need any single thing outside of that, then i'd be good.

if i could go back in time, i would go back to June, 2002, and i would never, ever, ever, ever have come out. i hate life and i hate people and i hate my career choice and i hate how ridiculously broke i am right now and mostly i hate myself.

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