postcard . . . she sent a postcard. so far, i've received two letters and a package. prior to yesterday, i had decided that the next thing i received, i would just throw away without opening; i thought about return to sender but that might re-engage - communicating without 'communicating' so to speak. but a postcard you can't help but read, which i think was the idea . . .

you see, the previous letters went on and on and on and on . . . the postcard said, quite simply, "i would be very grateful if you would send me my jacket, my cds, and if you're not wearing it, my sweatshirt. Thanks." (let me add here that we've already seen 100 degrees and it's just June - no, I'm not wearing a sweatshirt, hers or mine; the bigger point being that I wouldn't wear hers anyway) it was a postcard from florida that was yellow with age and mailed from her town in michigan. my guess is that she has no way of knowing whether i open her letters and she wants those things back. so, i'll send them tomorrow - although i don't really know what cds i'm supposed to have and i have no doubt that is going to lead to communication. *sigh*

however, i'm also deducing that she has moved into the anger stage - and that's probably a good thing. or maybe this is another way to force communication - but no, surely not; i mean, these are things someone would sincerely want returned.

the last letter ended with a crack that was a veiled criticism of me and the parent i will be - you just don't go there with mothers. i have absolutely no sympathy, empathy, or any other similar emotion left for her after that one. i don't have confidence about many things, but i'm a good parent. she has said various things about me or to me since the breakup that were out of line that i just let go and i suppose that was a last ditch effort to get me where it hurts and . . . she succeeded but she still won't get any reaction out of me assuming that's what she was going for. she doesn't have the courage to raise a child on her own (her words, not mine) but would be more than happy to step into my life and help raise mine - but if that's not allowed, she'll be equally glad to criticize my parenting skills.

had to talk to the divine last night about how it was perfectly alright to miss her and be sad about not seeing her. please remind me of that should i EVER consider another relationship in the future. i realize that all children have to learn about loss in their lives, but i don't think it has to be like this, for goodness sake.

and what else . . . so, i think i'm going to go to the festival but every time i think about that, i think about taking the week off in july that the divine's school is closed for teacher training. a whole week with her sounds marvelous and she's just growing so fast.

Oh, and btw, I'm on the verge of deciding that George W. is the anti-christ. Seriously.

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