got a package from beth this weekend. interesting way to get around my asking her to not contact me - no e-mail, no im, no calling - but she got around that by sending me a package. i should have just not opened it and wrote 'return to sender' but my morbid curiosity was such that it didn't occur to me prior to opening it.

contents: doll for the divine (that she doesn't want or need - but that's my petty and hateful side coming out), book on two year olds that i had been reading prior to the big break up, pictures of the divine when i gave her her tricycle for her birthday, forget me not seeds to replace those that i was not successful planting, framed 'be happy anyway' saying by mother teresa (which is my favorite of hers) for my office, and last but not least, a two paged type letter filled with the same dribble only adding a part at the beginning about how the e-mail about coming to visit was a joke - yeah, ok, apparently she thinks that i'm a complete moron.

so, now, i'm torn between just packaging it all up and sending it back or simply not acknowledging it. my friends' opinions are torn as well - although most agree that i get to keep the pics of the divine on her birthday no matter what. if i send it back, i have to wait two weeks until i get paid b/c i have NO money and it's gonna cost me - and that actually pisses me off. why didn't i just not open it?!?!?! well, that's neither here nor there at this point.

some friends say to just not acknowledge it and that will be the least encouraging thing to do, especially now that it's clear that i opened it and if i get anything else, return to sender immediately. others say to send it back. although all but chnacat say that either is fine and effective. i don't know.

her behavior has certainly made living with my decision easier and it has taught me a few things about what i want. i definitely would prefer a relationship with someone who already has children of their own and i want someone who has a happy life so that it will be about putting two happy lives together rather than one saving the other, if that makes sense. i want someone who is happy and secure with their own life and with themselves but wants to build one with me - am i at all clear on this? i don't want to be responsible for someone else; i don't want my life to be someone's answer; i don't want to be everything to anyone - i just want to be a special someone that this girl, whoever she might be, wants to be with b/c it can complete her life, not make it entirely. AND i don't want to do any of it before i'm 45.

so, i leave this relationship having learned at least those three important things and also knowing that i need more work on my communication skills and i have more work to do on myself before i can be with someone what i want them to be with me. clear as mud, i know.

but i feel hopeful for the future - that i can become a person who is comfortable with herself and her life - not today or tomorrow but that i can achieve that and that in working towards that, i already have to some extent.

wow, that's absolutely optimistic of me, isn't it? hmmm . . . i wonder how long i can maintain this mindset?!

and, to clear up the debate b/w my friend, chnacat, and myself - does anyone actually read these things?!

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