. . . and so, i think about laura a lot, still. i wonder at that.

beth was absolutely nothing like her. there were no similarities there that i can look at and say, "ah, yes, that's why she keeps coming to mind."

and i try to keep in mind that i had laura on such a pedestal, even she knew it. but i couldn't quite put the pieces together back then so . . . it just kept blowing up and i kept trying to make it 'normal' somehow. and everyday was a failing struggle to become what i imagined her to be - and i'm not sure i've yet broken that cycle. and that scares me a little.

i got a really, really long and painful e-mail from beth last night. chnacat described it as beautiful - it didn't feel beautiful when i read it. it was . . . i'm not sure of the word. she said a lot and while i know her message carried with it the fact that she cares very deeply about me . . . i can't describe how unsettling it was. it triggered another level of depression i fear and i'm not getting a handle on that as well as i think i should be able to.

i'm really worried that i'm not capable of sustaining a long term relationship and beth really hit the nail on the head when she discussed that. she didn't do it in a mean spirit . . . in fact, it was almost in a kind way pointing things out to me so that i wouldn't purposely pass doors i might benefit from opening in the future.

and i guess in the letter, i saw all of the qualities, or some of them at least, that i fell in love with. i've never found those qualities in anyone else and i know that someday i'm going to look back and wish i still had her in my life but at the same time . . . i know that i can't do it right now, not like this. and it's all or nothing with us, with any long distance relationship really. so, that leaves me here . . . alone. and i don't know which is worse, the idea that i'll probably never be capable of giving up enough independence to sustain a relationship without feeling smothered, or that i'm giving up my relationship with her.

and then i think of laura and i wonder if nine years from now, i'll be thinking of beth. gawd, i hope not.

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