hmmm . . . what to talk about. i can't concentrate on anything, i check my e-mail about 500 times a day, and i'm having a very hard time going to sleep at night. i keep wondering how she's doing, what she's doing, etc. do i have the right to feel all of this when i'm the one that ended it? especially when i'm still pretty sure that it was the right decision? i'm not sure. i don't feel like i do . . .

and there is still a big part of me that feels relief.

. . . i can't decide about going to fest this year and i don't want to be all wishy-washy about it. so, i've tried to think of all the pros and cons but i just can't seem to make up my mind. (1) i really don't want to go by myself again - last year, on that front, was kind of disastrous, although it ended really well, however, that had a lot to do with beth coming to my rescue, in a way; (2) i really can't afford it at all - and that's a very substantive con; (3) i could instead take off the week that the divine's school is closed in july and spend that time with her . . .master the whole potty training thing . . . that really seems like the most prudent choice, (4) i want to go see the performers this year, i was pretty psyched about the line-up when i saw it, (5) i know a lot more about what to expect this time, (6) i really NEED the break and some alone time . . . i think i learned last year that some time to myself made me a better mother, (7) i don't want to leave my daughter with my mother . . . but if i go, there are no other options, (8) the big thing . . . i don't want to go alone again, (9) a week at home with the divine would be really nice and i could plan fun stuff for us to do - maybe some kind of mini-vacation - although again with that, we get into money issues.

i don't know. i hate how indecisive i am.

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