a few days ago, i wrote about someone from nine years ago - i didn't name her. i guess i should - we'll call her laura. hmmm. . . i have not been able to stop thinking about her lately and i'm not sure why that is. i mean, like i said, i've always thought about her - but not so in depth like this, at least, not so in recent years. now i keep replaying different scenes over in my head and writing different endings - maybe it's b/c my life is so different and i'd like to transplant our meeting into this time, rather than that one. but she had her own entanglements . . . there really was no other ending . . . well, maybe the actual events could have, would have been different, actually there's no maybe about that . . . but still, ultimately, there would never be a happily ever after . . . she had her own acknowledgements and i doubt she ever made them, or, ever would.

but . . . now, when i'm with beth sometimes, i find myself comparing the two - which is of course completely unfair, not only to her but to me as well. she knows nothing about her and never will . . . laura is too wrapped up in the worst things i've ever done and the worst person i've ever been, even though she's also wrapped up in the best person i've ever felt like - i know that butchered all the grammar rules and probably doesn't make sense but i don't know how else really to describe it. anyway, i don't speak of it to anyone and no-one except for those involved know everything, although some speculate.

back to the point, i think i'll always compare people to her - well, that's not necessarily accurate - it's more like i compare how some people make me feel, like beth at this point, to how i felt when i was with laura - and nothing's ever going to compare with that. nothing.

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