one year ago i began to decide that it was time to tell people - that this was a process i was ready for, etc. ooohhhh, to go back and change that decision. but it's too late now, although, i can almost guarantee that i can't go any further than this which means that someday soon, i'll have to tell beth that.

if i didn't have the divine, things would be a lot more doable - well, maybe. but here, in oklahoma . . . people crack me up when they talk about how conservative their area is, etc. conservative in california isn't even comparable to conservative in the bible belt - they really should be dropped into this area for awhile and they'd have a new appreciation for life in general. having said that, there are a lot of things i like about raising the divine here - and you can't have it both ways or at least, you can't complain about it without being somewhat hypocritical.

i wish that i didn't feel like such a complete freak in my own head. those friends who are supportive are sort of fumbling there way through this with me, which is actually quite endearing and says a lot about how they feel about me and that means a lot. but i feel guilty to drag them through a process that they didn't ask for. i can assure you that ten years ago, the vixen and the homemaker never would have told you, 'ten years from now, my best friend will be this way.' however, they've been troopers - the vixen has fumbled it a bit here and there and then gets concerned that she is failing me, which, like i said, i find quite endearing.

'martha' says that maybe it's time to approach my reverend about meeting some ladies in my church who are like me - b/c i've only seen the negative sides of this process and that there is a lot of positive in being accepted for who you are within a community. and maybe she has a point . . . i just think it would feel so contrived. i don't know.

i am, as usual, without answers; i wonder if i'll ever have any.

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