Well, i saw the above mentioned movie last night. I'm really at a loss as to how to describe it - there were scenes (just a couple) that actually made you laugh outloud but mostly the people described personal struggle that was just heartwrenching and the amount of sympathy I felt for them, I'm not even sure that I can describe.

i can tell you that it didn't leave me with much hope - i'm not sure it was supposed to. if anything it solidified my suspicion that my current "out-level" (which is probably a term i just coined) is possibly the maximum for me.

there was one man that i can't get out of my head - the struggle that he has lived with is just . . . i realize how unbelievably fortunate i am to be a female b/c regardless of my orientation - i got to have the divine medically, children were an 'easy,' relatively speaking obviously, option for me. one of the things this man touched on was that there came a time when he had to accept who he was and in doing so, he had to accept that he would not be having children in the typical family sense - and that was so hard for him b/c he had always wanted kids and you could tell the pain that this caused him - i mean, he didn't cry, although he struggled with that just enough for someone to notice, and he didn't sound angry, he sounded more resigned - which was so much worse. but to say that this was the worst of his struggle is not doing him justice - he wanted so much to please god and his faith was such a part of him; he wanted nothing more than to not be gay and yet . . .

and then another man touched on what his family did to him when he was young and they realized this about him - among other things, they sent him to electric shock therapy. he was 58 at the time of filming, he hadn't spoken to his family in over 20 years - they wanted nothing to do with him and he said at one point that there were times, even at his age, that he just wanted his daddy.

and another woman who reminded me very, very much of myself as far as the family reaction - she told her parents and they now have an extremely superficial relationship with her - and that is only at the barest level - and that only b/c their rabbi told them that they could not reject their daughter completely. sounded eerily familar - except my mother doesn't have a rabbi, she made that decision on her own.

there were a million different stories - i could go through all of them but that isn't the point and my elementary style descriptions would unfairly cheapen the movie. it's just very odd that something i watched moved me to the extent that trembling before g-d did and and yet i can't really describe the feeling i was left with. i want to say sadness, but that's not entirely it . . . hopelessness, maybe. i don't know. and then there is that sickly reassuring feeling of comfort that you're not alone in your struggle or your questioning.

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