there are times in your life, i think, when you know that the decisions you are making are monumental, even if they appear small - that you've suddenly entered this space where your seemingly mundance decisions are going to shape your life from here on out. that it is these resulting consequences that are going to reach the level of definition for this life, your life - that you only get one shot at - where you don't get the luxury of do-overs, no 'hey, wait a minute, let's go back and do that part again, only we'll try the other path this time.' this life that offers absolutely no guarantees.

and it seems ironic to me that it is in those times that i feel more fragile or uncertain, rather than sure of myself and of my priorities and most importantly, my capabilities, of how much strength and resolve i really have.

and in the few tranquil moments i've experienced, it seems that that was only ever at the surface - that if you look more closely at those times, you see how flawed it really was with cliches, how those times shouldn't have been happening even as they had every right to.

sadly, it seems to me that life is defined by tiny victories and awesome failures, rather than vice versa. or, maybe it is all in perspective, which in theory i suppose we have some control over.

they say that everyone has at least 15 minutes of fame. i wonder if it isn't more accurate to say that everyone has 15 minutes in life when they know in their heart and in their soul, that this is where they are supposed to be, who they are supposed to be in this moment, and that they got it right, if only for this short time. 15 minutes is fleeting . . . and maybe that is the most we can really hope for, realistically.

i am overwhelmed sometimes by the notion that in the end when i look back, i will have missed out on someting in the larger scale of things that could have and maybe even should have happened to me . . .

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