i was reading mulher's entry for today or some day - whatever - the most recent. and i so know what she is talking about - i think, anyway. and as i am approaching the end of my relationship, i have the ability to empathize more than i really care to. i'm probably going to end it this weekend, when we talk again. am i doing the right thing? i think i am for me for now . . . and no, i don't believe in that 'if it's meant to be' crap

but i so don't want to start over again someday - back to the beginning. where do we ever get the energy to do that? there are so many parts of me that don't want this relationship to end, however, i think i'm just prolonging the inevitable - which isn't fair to anyone involved.

and it isn't just that she has qualities i can't imagine finding all in one place again and it isn't the fact that before her i was certain that kind of sex only happened in movies or some other fictional setting - it's the whole starting from the very beginning again - the very freaking beginning.

how in the world do we do that? the very beginning - the idea of it is so indescribably unappealing. not only at the energy and emotion wasted into building this relationship, but at the thought of starting again.

right now i have absolutely no doubt that i want to be alone. alone. alone. alone. i want my life back and i want to get past this and be whole again and find a healthy place for a while. but eventually, i know i'll get it in my head to find a partner - i can't really imagine it now but i'm sure that it will happen. and the thought of going back to square one is daunting . . . and not a path i want to take right now. building the foundation to any relationship - i just don't think we're supposed to have to do this repeatedly.

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