i'm feeling very melancholy today . . . can't pinpoint anything in particular. well, sort of i can.

my dad is having various medical problems and many tests run. they're going to do another biopsy soon in his stomach . . . i'm not really sure i ever knew what real helplessness and fear felt like. i'm trying to remain hopeful until we know something for sure. i love my daddy. i know that sounds childish but i have found in the past few days that when faced with even a remote possibility of losing a parent, you suddenly feel the vulnerability of a child. anyway, anyone who reads this could throw up a prayer and i'd be forever grateful.

took the divine to see sesame street this weekend - i can't even explain how excited she was when the characters came out. she was shaking all over and waving both hands saying hi to each of them specifically. that was so much fun. i've noticed that a lot of parents do those sort of things grudgingly and i LOVE that stuff - i love taking her to things like that and watching how much she enjoys them - i thoroughly enjoy it b/c of that and am looking forward to next year. and then afterward, i was hit with the fact that i had no-one to share that with. i'm not sure i can explain this very well but it was like, there was no-one else to tell who would care that she was so excited she was shaking or that she got distressed everytime they closed Oscar's trash can b/c she couldn't see him anymore. no-one else cares about that like i do and it was the loneliest feeling. it's an aspect of single parenthood i didn't anticipate.

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