she left today; just took her to the airport and cried like a baby. there are times i want to scream at myself or at life. i'm never going to get it right and in the process, i'm going to hurt or screw up a lot of other people.

the entire time she was here, with my daughter falling more and more in love with her, i felt smothered and lost. then while taking her to the airport, every part of me wants to turn the car around, or just drive right through . . and i absolutely did not want to let her get on the plane and i don't want to go home tonight to a house without her in it.

i've been distant and colder . . . and she's been patient and understanding, in spite of the near impossible position she's in. how can any one person have such an endless supply of patience? i don't have patience for anyone or anything, except the divine.

so, i suppose now i'm supposed to sit back and figure this out and i don't see myself doing that and i don't see a right answer to come to or some brilliant epiphany that is going to bring sense to the chaos that is currently my thought process. there are moments, times, periods when i absolutely hate myself - and even when i'm not sure exactly why that is, although i am usually more than aware of multiple reasons, i know there are no reasons to like myself. and i would want to be someone else - except for i don't ever want to let go of being the divine's mother. and i wonder if it is permissible to be this unhappy.

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