i meet with a therapist once a week, we'll call her, martha - she's older, kind of grandmotherlyish, so that name seems to fit her. i suppose some will think me crazy now, but since they probably wouldn't be too far off the mark, i don't really mind. although, when i call myself that or some other related term, martha questions whether that's a cop out of sorts - a way to avoid taking responsibility for being healthy - i'm not so certain she's off the mark either with that - but only at times.

anyway, tuesday night we were disussing ad nauseam my struggles with whether i can actually handle everything involved in living openly and i said that among other things, the alternative seemed so cowardly and she said that i shouldn't worry too much about that singular aspect b/c if there is anything i'm not, it's cowardly. that single statement was like a gift, a reminder of who i was. now, granted, it didn't fix everything, god knows. but it was a very pleasant thought - and, outside of the divine, i haven't had many of those lately.

of course, it also brings up the same old problem of needing someone else to remind me of my positive characteristics b/c i can't ever see them for myself and the concern that if someone else identified me as cowardly, if that's how i would see myself. but i don't actually think so on this particular topic, although it may take someone else's opinion for me to recognize it, i don't think anyone could convince me otherwise.

anyway, way off topic there. i have no idea how i'm going to reconcile all of this in my head and i also know that it is going to take a great deal of time. i'm not sure how fair it is to ask beth to put her life on hold until i can figure this out - martha wonders why i don't think i'm worth that. i don't know. i'm not sure of my destination on this journey and with that uncertainty, i don't see how i can ask someone else to just wait and see, even though the rest of their life will depend on my decision.

the divine's intellect is presenting itself more and more everyday - she negotiates with me now all the time. beth says that despite the fact that i DO NOT want her to follow in my footsteps into a legal career, i may already have a lawyer on my hands. i have to limit her milk intake to 16 to 20 ounces per day, and six ounces of juice. so, when she had reached her milk quota, i said, "how about juice?" and she responded, "how 'bout milk?" and we did that back and forth for a while and then i said, "i can get you some juice," to which she responded, "i can want some milk." it startled me for just a second that she is able to conceptualize dialogue to that extent. she is so fascinating.

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