sometimes life is too much, too hard, too overwhelming . . . just too. i try hard to remember the important things in life, the things that actually matter and the things that last - and i think that helps me focus, helps me to keep in mind during more difficult times that whatever the problem at hand, it will pass eventually. i think my ability to look at things that way makes me stronger overall and i like that about myself. likewise, i can normally embrace the things that do matter, the aspects of life i care about. and yet, there are times, like now, when i find i'm not capable of that. sometimes things creep up on us or the world is ripped out from under us in ways that make it impossible for me to maintain my mindset that this too shall pass. when your life just changes and they aren't changes you're sure you can accept or deal with and they aren't going to just pass. and you have no idea where you are going to come out at the end.

and so i wonder when i am going to be ok again and it scares me that i don't have an answer to that. none of the alternatives before me lead down a familiar road and i'm not entirely convinced that there is a right decision to be made.

this is not how i like to look at life. i feel trapped when there is not a mindset i can adopt or possibilities that i can hope or strive for that might represent an acceptable destination.

instead, i'm just in life - my day to day has been forever altered; my foundation, if not shattered, then is certainly broken and the pieces just may be too small this time to put back together. i'm not sure what i can rebuild from here; i'm not even sure where to start. and i find myself wondering how many times a person can start over. but what really scares me is that, although strength i'm rarely without (which, quite frankly, is as much a curse as a blessing), this time, if not for the divine, i'm not sure i'd have the desire to do it. and i don't know where you go to find that.

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