i don't like to hurt . . . i suppose no-one does. recently i knew a girl who told her parents that she was gay - they completely rejected her, telling her things like, "you can be my daughter or you can be a lesbian - but you can't be both." less than one month later she was killed in a car wreck and, of course, they were devestated.

i would have thought that my mother would have learned a lesson in that - but she didn't. and while i have tried valiantly to be patient and realize that she needs time to accept this - i discovered this weekend that she is so angry with me and so preoccupied with what made me this way, that she is no where near accepting anything on any level. i tried to communicate with her and her choice of response was to lash out at me and say hurtful things - questioning my worth and value as a person and my ability, or lack thereof in her mind, to be a good mother to the divine. and i have sadly concluded that there is no longer a relationship there to salvage.

and while this makes me sad and hurts more than i can really deal with right now realizing that i'll be losing an entire part of my family, not just my mother, at least i know now where things stand and i can start the accepting aspects for myself. and i suppose, on some small level, that's a good thing.

i have never told my dad - who i totally expect to lose (my mom i had much more faith in - the superior wisdom of hindsight strikes again). but at least i know what to expect, you know? i know that won't keep it from hurting, but not being caught totally off guard has to be worth something. and in some ways, i've already started the process of mourning that relationship and feeling that pain.

i'm trying not to let this affect how i feel about myself, but i'm not succeeding very well. i'm scared for the divine - of how this will all affect her and what will happen to her if something ever happens to me. i love her so much and my mother's role in her life scares me to death.

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