ok, so she misses me terribly and that's a good thing . . . i know that's a good thing. and logically, she is everything i want in a person/partner. i've written on the inherent characteristics about her that appeal to me so deeply and make me sure of that - however, the more she tells me that she misses me, the more i feel smothered. i don't understand this. i mean, i miss her - i know that. but this is our situation and we get on with it, you know?! let's have a light, normal conversation about our day without getting bogged down in the missing each other/being apart aspects.

or, is the fact that i don't want to be bogged down in that anymore supposed to be telling me something? i'm not sure and that scares me. b/c if ever i were to decide that maybe this wasn't it for me, maybe she wasn't the one for me - it would devestate her more than i can imagine and that scares me too.

she said that she doesn't like feeling like she needs me more than i need her - and i know that feeling, i know exactly what she is talking about and i know most likely the kind of things she needs to hear and yet, i can't seem to say it b/c my thoughts/feelings are suddenly consumed with not wanting to give even more reassurance b/c it leads to being bogged down again in the whole being apart aspect.

and i think that when we're together, that element won't be there anymore. we won't have to deal with not being together and missing each other - but then will it be something else? is this a facet of our relationship that will be ever-looming and only change contexts? and how do i know that before one of us moves our entire life across the country?

and i recognize that my life is so vastly different from hers and that difference leads to some of this situation. i am an attorney who is a single mother of a two year old - to say that i am busy is a gross understatement. my days and nights are extremely full, there is never, ever a moment that is just mine until 9:00 p.m., assuming i get the divine (who, btw, can now count to 14) in bed exactly on time and then i usually have more work to do and a house to finish picking up. i don't have the moments like she does to get overwhelmed with how much we miss each other - however, i still used to manage it. although constantly trying to fit an unrealistic amount of time to talk to her into my schedule, resulted in last week's partial meltdown and a new laying out of phone schedules and times and maybe falling into this new much healthier pattern is what has lead to this difference between us. if all of that makes any sense at all.

in general, we have a healthy relationship. we communicate better than most couples i know and certainly better than i ever have in the past - and more importantly, we are both very conscious of that and i think communication is absolutely key in any relationship on any level. however, her sensitivity is starting to make me hesitate in communicating with her on topics such as this and i'm not sure where to go with that.

she misses me, i know she misses me . . . and while i miss her terribly as well, i know there is something out of sync here.

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