my mother, my mother, my mother . . . i might vent a little here about . . . yes, you guessed it . . . my mom.

this summer i told her the big revelation - and she was completely fine with it, so she said. Until, lo and behold, i actually met someone. and then how things changed. maybe it didn't become reality until then . . . who knows and at this point, i'm beginning to wonder how much i really care. she makes a point of not being alone with me and since she lives two hours away, that really isn't so difficult. and now only calls me when the phone time will be limited by necessity - she finally told me once that she had little panic attacks every time i bring up the whole issue - and mind you, i'm never in your face about this. i'm just not an 'in your face' kind of person (unless i'm defending someone else, which is probably a whole other set of issues). then thanksgiving she told me that she didn't want me to come home for thanksgiving b/c beth was going to be with me and my more distant relatives might suspect - whatever. as if we were going to be all over each other or something; how absurd. she just couldn't deal with it. but the best part was when she said that she wanted to come and get the divine for that day - WHAT?! Ok, how inappropriate on so many levels!! Of course, i answered that with a big, resounding no.

and now she is coming up this weekend to bring the divine her birthday presents and actually asked me to go somewhere for the day. when i explained that no, i wouldn't be doing that and that she would be forced to spend time with me, she got totally disgusted. lovely. and beyond that, she goes past the point of spoiling the divine as grandparents do to outright disrespecting my wishes. we are going to have to have a serious boundaries talk - although that brings us to another issue regarding the fact that my mother doesn't talk - she doesn't communicate about ANYTHING, ever. she deals with things by not dealing with them. which has lead to my own communication problems - however, the difference is, now that i am an adult and recognize my limitations in that area, i am working very hard on that so that it won't have detrimental effects on my life and that of my daughter's.

i'm so disappointed in her as a person - i never, ever thought that she would react this way. but she has. i'm more concerned at this point that she might try to take the divine away from me. so, i'm going to try to explain to her that i'm aware of this and that she has no grounds for taking such action b/c of the few things i know i'm successful at, i know i'm a good mother at this point. although, if ever there were a state which might entertain a case re taking a child away solely on the grounds of being of an 'alternative' (i hate that word) lifestyle, this is it. so, that worries me some.

on a related note, i sent my resume, etc. off to michigan yesterday and they should have it in their hands by noon tomorrow. so, now we sit back and wait. i won't know whether i have an interview until mid to late february. but i think leaving this state is very good idea at this point for just about every reason.

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