there is a line in one kris d. song that compares life to a batting machine and asks what if it stops throwing pitches before i hit one clean . . . i love that line. it's a more poetic way of asking that question, what if i never get this right?

i try to be philosophical and look at life as one big journey but being a person who needs a certain amount of structure, especially when it comes to goals, i think i keep looking for a destination. maybe you have to just keep making short term 'destinations' - but what if you don't get it right in the big picture - and at the end of it all, you find that you completely missed the boat. then what?

i don't think i've totally missed the boat - i have figured out enough to know that it really is the simpler things in life that matter - that at the end of it all, possessions and careers don't mean all that much - that isn't where you're going to get life fulfillment. strangely, a lot of people miss that - when i turn 80 and look back, i know that the real magic in life was found the first time i felt the divine kick in my belly; the first time i saw her on her ultrasound; in my little girl's smile when she played peek-a-boo with me last saturday morning around the bathroom door or when she asks to watch "witney" the pooh; that sleepy snugglebug she becomes in the morning when i wake her up; or the little voice that says, "mommy lay down with me?" at night when i tuck her in; or blowing bubbles in the backyard for an hour in the spring. i know that, for me, children and the family you create for yourself when you get older, regardless of who makes it up, is what life is really about (although, i think that everyone defines their own magic, their own meaning, b/c we are, after all, individuals). and maybe that is what we're supposed to be looking for and doing - creating our own meaning.

and yet sometimes i still wonder if i'm going to look back someday and realize that i missed something of monumental importance.

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